


tiger moth

by starrylance



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Couch Cuddles, Cute, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hair-pulling, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lim Changkyun | I.M-centric, M/M, Other, Platonic Relationships, Pre-Slash, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, but not really, it's not so sad i promise, lot of angst, only for hyungwon and changkyun tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 11:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14519412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrylance/pseuds/starrylance
Summary: "I'm sure that if I hold my hand out first, they'll take it at some point."or; how everyone has grown fond of changkyun and started to love himchangkyun x everyone, really platonic. hints of showkyun (but not really) and hyungkyun





	tiger moth

**i.**

Changkyun closed his eyes, his body heavy with fatigue of the day, wanting only to fall asleep.

They had practiced until early in the morning, working on every song for hours and hours.

He wouldn't complain, though.

He made sure to open the eyes again because there was no time to show weakness, no space for his tiredness. 

 

**ii.**

“Yah, wake up, kid. It's late.”

He knew he couldn't whine, he knew he couldn't look at Kihyun with a pleading gaze nor say he was still sleepy, like the others did.

It was something for friends and they weren't friends.

 

**iii.**

There was no breakfast by the time he had finished dressing and washing, and he put the disappointment in a distant part of his mind, biting his bottom lip slightly and just let go on the thought of food.

“ _It's okay_ ,” he said to himself, grabbing his jacket, getting ready to leave. It was a cold morning.

“ _It's okay_.”

 

**iv.**

Practice was hell. It was difficult, every move hard to make and every step made him feel as his feet were about to fall off.

He was sweating, panting lightly, exhausted. He hadn't eaten anything before starting to dance and his empty stomach was now reclaiming food, growling each time they had to stop to repeat the song.

_Tired_ , he wished he could rest a little, no need to sleep, just sit down for a few minutes and eat a fruit or even drink water. The glare Minhyuk sent him after he stumbled forward, having them all to rewind the track once again, was already an answer.

 

**v.**

“Changkyun- _ah_.”

The boy turned around, facing Hyunwoo who had walked towards him.

Without realising it, he started holding his breath, nervousness seeping inside.

“Yes, _hyung_?” he asked with a small, shaking voice. The leader didn't say anything, but his eyes were fixed on him, analyzing him. To Changkyun, it remembered his old therapist's look, always searching for what went wrong with him, what wasn't right in his _program_.

“You need to practice more the choreography.”

And with this, Hyunwoo got back to his members.

Changkyun felt like crying. 

 

**vi.**

There were days when all he wanted to do was to pack everything up, take the first train and go back home, where his mother was waiting for news, sat on the chair in the kitchen, alone, praying that her child was _okay_ , was _fine_ , was _happy_.

She had called the day before, asking how he was; he had talked about the practice, the training, he had told her that the teachers were severe but fair and supportive, the managers great and always ready to buy them food; he had talked about the diet and the lack of sleep (“ _But I'm resting enough, don't worry mom_ ”).

He said he was _okay_ , he was _fine_ , he was _happy_ , although he knew there were just empty words.

He wished he could tell her that he was slowly giving up, but he couldn't.

He couldn't and never would be able to, no matter what.

No matter _what_. 

 

**vii.**

Tears ran down his cheeks.

“I'm sorry dad, I'm sorry I disappointed you once again,” he cried softly, trying to contain his sobs, his hands pressed on his face, as to hide it, to protect himself, in that little bathroom where no souls were allowed.

“I'm _so_ sorry”

_Sorry_ for being so weak, _sorry_ for crying like that, _sorry_ for being so difficult to love and understand, _sorry_ for wanting to give up.

He missed his life, missed Boston, missed his family, missed his heart.

“I can't do anything right,” he whispered to himself in the small room, taking deep breaths, trying to calm down. It was late and he needed sleep.

He hadn't been able to sleep well for a whole week now, nightmares keeping him awake in the dead of the night. Or, maybe, he was the one dead. He was dead and just didn't realized.

_Maybe that's why nobody wants me_ , be thought. _Maybe I'm just a body, a disgusting ghost, hunting them and ruining their lives._

He started sobbing again. 

 

**viii.**

From sleeping six hours per day, he began to sleep six hours per _week_ , night terrors waking him up all the times he closed his eyes.

The debut was barely two months away and the team still didn't accept him, looking down on him, ignoring his words. And so, he had stopped talking altogether. There was no use to say his opinion anymore.

The only way he used now to communicate was writing lyrics, conveying his feelings in the white paper, giving it his everything and more.

He needed salvation and music was the answer to his prayers.

Since that time when Hyunwoo had told him to work harder, he spent most of his day in the practice room, dancing ‘til he was too worked out to move and go back to the dorm.

During the night, when everyone else was sleeping and resting, dreaming in their beds, he wrote.

Poems, lyrics, lines, bars.

He didn't told anybody about these. 

 

**ix.**

One night, Jooheon found him awake in the living room, laying on the floor and looking at the ceiling, almost waiting for a sign to show him the right path.

The other boy had walked in to take a glass of water and had shouted as soon as he had seen him.

It was a miracle no one woke up at the sound. Probably, they were just too _off_ to pay any attention.

“Oh my God, _oh my God!_ ,” he had screamed in english. “What the hell are you doing here?!”

Changkyun did nothing but stare at him. It was the longest phrase the other had ever said to the youngest. They looked at each other, until his _hyung_ broke the silence, moving his eyes away.

“You should sleep, it's late and we'll have to wake up in a few hours. Come on, Changkyun- _ah_.”

A hand appeared in front of him. The breath died in his throat. He kept watching the hand, still in his view, ready to be grabbed.

He wanted to hold it.

So, he did.

Jooheon smiled a little at the sight, and, maybe, Changkyun smiled too.

(“ _You should smile more. You're really cute when you do it!”_ “Stop it, hyung.”)

 

**x.**

Jooheon was nice. He talked a lot, when needed and when not, shouted even more, and he was cute.

But, mostly important, he didn't leave him alone.

Everywhere Changkyun was, there was the other too, chatting and joking about stupid things non stop, and he didn't mind it at all. After all the loneliness he had felt, it was a good change.

No, it wasn't _good_. Not when he cried during the night because finally, finally, someone had acknowledge his presence and worth in the team, was there to make him smile after a rough morning.

It was great. Beautiful.

“Hey, what do you think of this?”

Jooheon's voice woke him up from his own thoughts; he shook them away with a shrug of shoulders and looked up, noticing that the other was handing him a notebook. _Jooheon's notebook_.

“Uh?”

The older boy laughed. Changkyun pouted. What was so funny?

“You look cute, _maknae_ , this confused” he said with a smirk.

Changkyun could feel his ears getting red. “Shut up, _hyung_ ,” he whined, making the other's smile grow bigger.

He took the notebook from his _hyung_ 's hands to change the subject of the conversation, avoiding Jooheon's fond eyes.

Everytime Jooheon had that look, his chest felt warmer and tighter.

He had missed the love.

Changkyun opened the notebook to the page bookmarked and focused on the blue words written right there in a messy calligraphy. A few where crossed, and stains were pretty much all over the paper. 

His _hyung_ put his whole heart in writing lyrics and Changkyun felt a bit breathless.

He read the phrases, each sentence with concentration, and when he finished, he read them again, twice, thrice, to let the words sink in.

Changkyun raised his head, just to find the older gaze on him. He smiled and Jooheon turned slightly away.

“Do you like it?”

He held the notebook tighter. “I love it.”

 

**xi.**

He had fainted.

They were in the middle of practice, working hard to memorize the last steps (even though they knew all the choreography by heart. Changkyun kept dreaming about it, too, as if it wasn't enough what he did during the day. He could imagine Jooheon dreamt about something like this too, because he moved a lot in his sleep.) and somewhere in between a turn and a step forward, his head had gotten dizzy and the view in front of his eyes black, full of spark.

Then, _nothing_.

He grunted as he opened his heavy eyes. His body was tired and his leg throbbing in pain. His eyelids finally listened to him.

Sitting beside him, there was a sleeping figure. For a second he thought it was Jooheon; he was the only one who had a bound with. But, looking more carefully, he realized that the boy couldn't be the rapper. He was too lanky, hair styled differently, he was too pale for being Jooheon.

The bed he was laying on shifted lightly, and the boy who had been sleeping til now woke up and straightened himself.

_Hyungwon_.

“Changkyun- _ah_?” the other muttered, voice thick and low. Hyungwon passed his hand through the ruffled hair.

_It looks soft_ , he distractedly thought.

Hyungwon touched his forehead with his hand, and he shivered at the cold touch. He was warm, everything in pain, his bangs falling sweaty.

He groaned relived.

“You're awake,” his _hyung_ said, removing his hand. Changkyun whimpered at the loss.

“What- what happened?” he asked. 

Hyungwon gave him a thoughtful look. “Apparently, you have a fever. So you fainted.”

He bit his lower lip. He hadn't felt well for a few days, but didn't realize how much bad it was. Or maybe he just didn't want to accept it and to be a useless weight.

“My head hurts,” he whispered, his eyes closing again against his will.

“I know. Sleep now, I'm calling Kihyun- _hyung_ and we'll see, don't worry Changkyun.”

With this, he fastly drifted away, his mind wavering.

He heard the other saying something else, but he was too far gone.

(“I'm sorry,” Hyungwon mumbled, while covering the younger with a blanket. He was moving restless, haunted by the fever.

Hyungwon grimaced.

_I'm sorry_.)

 

**xii.**

Kihyun refused to leave his side and, while Changkyun was secretly loving all the attention he had been receiving, it was getting a little too much.

“You have to eat this, Changkyun- _ah_! You need energy! You're too damn skinny, kid,” the older nagged once again, shouting the same words as a few minutes ago.

Changkyun sighed, took the spoon from the other and slowly began to eat the soup.

He hissed.

“It's hot, you have to be careful! Ah, what should I do with you, _really_...” Kihyun shook his head and Changkyun tried to smile, even if his tongue was screaming in pain.

“I'm fine _hyung_ ,” he said, straightening his back. At the doubtful look the older gave him, he said it again, hoping to be convincing.

It was weird having someone worrying about him; not really unpleasant, but as Kihyun stood up to leave, fear trapped his heart in a tight grasp.

_I don't want to be alone,_ he thought, and the intensity of it shook him.

Because it was true. He didn't want to be alone anymore, not now that he had _Jooheon's loud laugh_ memorised, or the warmth of _Hyungwon's hand_ and _Kihyun's voice_ impressed in his mind.

It may have not been what he had wanted in the beginning, but it was more than he could ever have.

“Are you sure you're okay, Changkyun- _ah_? I can stay, if you want.”

And he wanted to say _yes_ , grab his sleeve so he wouldn't leave. But he denied any need of help and repeated his words for the third time (“ _I'm fine_ ”).

This way, Kihyun smiled at him, patted his head and then got out of the room.

He fell back into the blankets with a sigh.

**xiii.**

Slowly, the fever subsided and left him only with a slight cold and swollen eyes.

Practice started again and he was more than happy about it. He had liked resting for a day or two, but it was seriously getting boring to sit around and do nothing but sleep all the time.

Kihyun made sure he wouldn't overwork and would eat when needed, and Changkyun let the other take care of him.

“Okay, guys, for today we're done. You did well!,” said Hyunwoo with a small smile, and Changkyun found himself smiling back. Hyunwoo's eyes turned to him and the boy blushed, trying to hide the smile that had grown.

He still felt unease around the members, even if now almost everyone had at least acknowledged him.

As he saw Jooheon was about to go, he followed him fastly. The other looked at him weirdly and then chuckled.

"Your face is red, _Changkyunnie_ ," he said, smirking. Asshole. If he were just a year older, the situation would have totally been different.

“Whenever you're around Hyunwoo- _hyung_ , you seem a girl shying away from her crush. Are you sure you are not in love with _Leader_ -nim, eh?”

Changkyun rolled his eyes, exasperated at his hyung antics. “Yes, _hyung_ , I'm pretty sure I'm not a girl shying away.”

Jooheon smirk only got wider. “But you haven't say anything about liking _hyung_ , have you?”

He was certain about one thing.

He _hated_ Jooheon.

 

**xiv.**

Okay so _maybe_ he had a little crush for Hyunwoo – but _who_ was Jooheon to say anything? It wasn’t as if it was a real crush, whatever that _it_ had been. It probably was just admiration for the older one, a leader able to guide everyone, always mainting the cool aura which surrounded him every time Changkyun managed to stop his gaze over the figure of his _hyung_.

He didn’t think it was so noticeable, after all, he definetly didn’t act like he was in love or something, ignore Jooheon’s words – he could bet that his _hyung_ ’s work was to annoy him endlessly ‘til he wouln’t be able to go on and end up killing his friend (and that was _why_ he hadn’t killed the other man. ‘Cause they were friends). This, until Minhyuk one evening, after having passed the whole day looking at him with a strange light in his eyes that had scared him a little (not that he would have said anything, _but still_ ), had said: “If you keep sighing and watching every move our dear _leader_ makes, we would need to tell manager to call a restaurant for a date.”

Changkyun had choked, starting to cough, and Minhyuk had laughed loudly, patting his back with strenght, supposed to help but only making him more breathless.

“ _It’s not like that_!” he had almost yelled, not yet recovered and still slighty shaken. Minhyuk smirked and jokingly – he _hoped_ – shook his head disappointed. “Oh my, oh my, I thought your parents teached you lying is bad, _kid_.”

He bit his lower lip. “I’m not a kid,” he muttered lowly, and if the other had heard, he didn’t give any sign of it.

“Why are you two here in the middle of the alley? Go wash, it’s time for dinner:”

A familiar voice made them both jump for the surprise. Behind him was standing tall, wearing nothing but a towel, the main character of the conversation he just had with Minhyuk: Hyunwoo.

He started to babble, trying pointlessly to say something, but all that come out was “ _Yes, sorry, no._ ”

Minhyuk snickered and he wished for the death to get him.

 

**xv.**

“Changkyunnie!”

Changkyun heaved a heavy sigh, preparing himself to be physically overwhelmed by a _puppy_ ; and _no_ , the puppy wasn’t a dog, but one of the oldest member of the group, Minhyuk. Suddenly, after their talk about Changkyun’s _non_ -crush (he refused to say it was anything more than mere appreciation), the other had taken on himself the duty to annoy the _maknae_ and monopolize his time.

He would drag him out of his room in the morning so that he wouldn’t miss breakfast, chat without seeming to know _how_ to stop all the travel from their dorm to the study, hug him anytime he felt like that and sometimes even slip in the bed with him.

In truth, Changkyun didn’t mind most of these things.

His chest felt warm, warmer than ever, _hot_ , at the attention he had been receiving, and not only from Minhyuk, but also _Hyungwon_ , who always made his heart miss a bit, in a way that Hyunwoo never did, and _Kihyun_ , with his soft words and hurried ways, and _Jooheon_ , his best friend – he even had someone _to call_ best friend – always ready to pick him up.

He couldn’t mind less.

But he was confused. He was confused and hurt and _didn’t know_ well how to react. The moment before, everyone hated him and wanted him to be gone, ignoring him or, if speaking, only doing it to say mean words. And _now,_ they treated him so well, _so softly_ , like he was part of them and not only someone who had taken away the glory from someone else’s hands.

He had wanted to be accepted and now that he was – not by everyone, _maybe_ ; Hoseok never wanted to be left alone with him, and Hyunwoo didn’t spend time with him if not for something regarding the group – it didn’t seem real.

_Maybe this is just a sick dream,_ he thougth, _maybe, maybe, they’re just pretending to like me._

His hands were shaking as he opened the door of the bathroom and fell on the floor, the world spinning and spinning and spinning, his head heavy and he coulnd’t see, coulnd’t hear, just feel and hurt. It couldn’t be real, it just wasn’t. They were lying, _they are lying, they don’t care,_ because he wasn’t worthy of them, wasn’t worthy of love.

_“Changkyun, Changkyun!”_

He heard a voice getting close but that wasn’t possible, was it? No one cared and no one would search for him.

_“Changkyun, listen to me, Changkyun!”_

A knee appeared in front of him and he almost didn’t see it, his vision unfocused, his eyes wet from unshed tears, but he did, and that meant one of the members found him.

He hadn’t realized he was pulling his hair until the man – was him Minhyuk, _Jooheon_? He couldn’t understand – grabbed and lowered his arms.

“It’s okay, it’s okay Changkyun, you’re not alone, you’re gonna be fine. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

He sunk in the hug and cried.

 

**xvi.**

Changkyun slowly began to wake up. The first thing he noticed was that he wasn't laying on his bed in the room he shared with the second youngest, but on the coach. Then, he realized that _someone_ was playing with his hair, petting it and intertwine their fingers with the soft strands and so caress them again.

For a second, he let himself beam in the comfort of it. Time seemed to no matter and he couldn't remember the last time someone had been so gentle with him.

Memories of the night before hit him fast and hard. He held his breath and behind him the movements stopped.

It was time to really wake up.

Changkyun opened his eyes, just to find his head on the lap of one of his _hyungs_. He raised it and got up, rubbing his eyes to shake away the last strings of sleep.

Now beside him, his _hyung_ chuckled softly. Just this way, he realized he had been sleeping on Hoseok all that time.

Changkyun blushed strongly, feeling his ears getting red by the embarrass.

"Slept well, Kkungkkungie?" the older said. Changkyun tilted his head, confused. _Kkungkkungie_?

"What?" he asked, his voice rough from sleeping – and crying. Hoseok smiled happily at him, his eyes almost as bright as the stars that shone through the window.

"You look like a lost pup, that's all," he answered, as if that was enough.

An awkward silence fell upon them. Neither both of them said anything or attempted to, and Changkyun knew it was because of him.

Hoseok was waiting for him to prepare himself, to explain what had happened last night, in the bathroom, but the truth was, he didn't know too. Or, _better_ , he didn't want to think about it.

His chest stung a little about having to talk about feelings, especially _his feelings_ , and anxiety started to seep into him.

Hoseok's face twisted so fastly that if he hadn't looked closely he would have missed it. "You know," he cleared his throat. "We don't have to talk about it. We could just chill and go back to sleep."

A heavy weight was lifted with these simple words from his shoulders.

He looked down, at his own fingers, half covered by the sweater he was wearing and realized that it wasn't one of his — but _Hoseok's._

"You were tired, I thought you would feel more comfortable with different clothes on," his hyung told him, almost whispering, like it was a secret between them.

Hoseok took his hand into his and dragged him to the coach again.

"Come on, let's sleep. I'm tired, I don't want to go to bed. And risking to wake up _Kihyun_? No, _thanks_."

Changkyun laughed exhausted and laid down half on the coach, half on Hoseok.

"Now, sleep," he heard the other say and he happily accomplished.

 

**xvii.**

It was the night before the debut that finally he had decided to talk about it, to open up to the members that had started to feel like his own family, a _safe place_ to hide and take shelter from the storm.

He knocked at the door of the room where Hyunwoo slept, and waited for a reply. When nobody answered, he knocked again, biting his lips so hard it would have been a miracle if it hadn't drawn blood.

Finally, after a long minute, passed thinking if he should go away and try another time, _maybe when it wasn't night_ , or stay and knock for the last try, the door opened and a half naked Hyunwoo showed up.

A month ago, he would start blush and stutter at that sight. Now, he only felt slightly unease and jittery.

"Changkyun- _ah_?"

Changkyun moved the weight from one foot to the other. Obviously the leader had just woken up.

"Can we talk, _hyung_?" he asked, nervous. He almost wished the older would say _no_ and close the door, but of course, Hyunwoo was a kind man and would never do anything like that.

His _hyung_ smiled welcoming and let him in.

The room was a mess, clothes hanging from the poor chair, whose features were hidden; the floor was covered in paper and the small desk was almost invisible under all the books.

"Sorry about that, we can sit on my bed."

Changkyun did as the other said, getting close to the undone bed and sitting right on the edge.

"Why are you here, Changkyun- _ah_?" the older asked and then, fast, added, "not that I mind. But it's late, shouldn't you be asleep?"

He had to talk. He know he had to. He had come there to do that, after all. To build the last relationship that was waiting to be build.

But, all the words he had planned to say, the speech that was meant to be said, everything vanished and cold air filled him.

A strong hand patted his shoulder. He startled, looking up, eyes wide open.

"Take your time," Hyunwoo said simply and he breathed.

Every doubt he had. Every nightmare, filled of aching hands and searching eyes, ready to judge him, _to strip him_ from all his certainty. Every attack he had, every time someone had snickered at him and looked down on his lean body, saying mean things. Every emotion he had, sadness, pain, numbness, and then the _happiness_ and the _confusion_ and the _hurt_.

He breathed opened his mouth and talked.

And he knew he was going to be okay. Because, now, he wasn't alone anymore. 

**Author's Note:**

> i finally finished this fic! i started to write this when i firstly became a fan, during january, but never managed to finish it. 
> 
> now, tho, it's finally over and i can say to be proud of it. 
> 
> i really wanted to write about this, even if i know it's really a common prompt and such, but the old good hurt/comfort was too much for me to not write it. 
> 
> i'm sorry if you found some mistakes, english isn't my first language and i'm not as fluent as i wish i was. 
> 
> if you want and liked my hard work, leave a comment or a little star! 
> 
> i hope you're having a good day and are living your life happily, being proud of who you are become - because there's no one else like you in the world, so you have to live this one life with all you can and do your best! 
> 
> please take care and don't get sick (as me, when i'm writing this); thank you for reading!


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